shane west was a stud on ER last night.

i just realized that there is a crack in my bedroom ceiling and i want alana keusch to come home. martha hooked me up with some free girls inc. gear and i'm stoked. i have to get out of bed to go pay my tuition so that i can continue going to school and to get a fanny pack for my costume tonight. that's one sentence i never thought i'd write.

this is going to be an incredible weekend. garrett is in charge of my phone. no bad decisions, just fun fun fun.

over and out.

for the past week, i've been checking the mail twice a day to wait for this. it finally came today. the figure is perfect in every sense of the word. unless you collect all of them, you probably don't understand how this came at the perfect time.


i went to work this evening and then of course to opus for a few drinks with garrett and kyle. both of these young lads had some words to offer. i walked home with lees and we talked for over forty-five minutes about nothing and everything. it's nice to be over seven hundred miles away from home but still feel like you can openly talk about everything that's on your mind.

i just crawled into my bed after brushing my chomps and laying in joe's bed talking about how much i despise the opposite sex. i have the best support system around and i need to start taking advantage of that.

the girls downstairs had a party this evening but i was too far gone by the time i got home at 2:30am to realize that the strobes in their apartment were not illuminating any figures.

happy birthday, sms, wherever your travels find you this evening.

it's certainly time for bed. weenie weekend continues tomorrow!

earlier this week i walked to work as flurries took over the sky and today there is a high of sixty-one degrees. what does that even mean on october 30th!?

this song gets stuck in my head at least twice a day. matt embree is a genius and most of the time i wish he would be my boyfriend and sing me to sleep every night. everything about this video is exactly the way it should be.


i bought my weenie costume last night and am completely obsessed. i still need to pick up a pair of tights to complete the look this afternoon. adam said pink but let's be honest, would i ever be caught dead in anything pink?

the secret trip is looming. why aren't i more excited yet?

there is one thing that i want to blog about but i still can't find the words to do it justice. in time... and with alcohol.

speaking of alcohol, i can't stop watching all of the different versions of "little bitch" on youtube and dying of laughter. on next summer's ltj roadtrip, we need to do this.

k, time to get out of my towel and into clothes. classish, errands, y, weenie weekend.

it's positively gorgeous outside. i love this song because it explains everything.



before the end of winter, i want to make it successfully around lake monona in one shot. it's only 13 miles, so it shouldn't be too hard, right?

sometimes i make mistakes but i've learned that feelings of regret will only get you so far... it's ok to suck it up and move on.

i have to shower and find a halloween costume. ready, set, GO.

you're not as sweet as i thought you were.

today i saw a boy wearing a john cena pleather jacket with a matching dirt 'stache. maybe everything in my life isn't so terrible.

i've been listening to the demos that the little one gave to me and they are incredible. i have some of the most talented friends in the world and i legitimately do not understand how all of them are not huge rockstars.

one of my residents was evicted yesterday. i don't think it had too much involvement with the way i was feeling last night, but upon reflection, i realize how terrible it is. i invested a lot of heart into rooting for her (as i do for all of my residents) and to see her fall off the bandwagon time and time again is awful. i understand that addiction is a serious problem, but if you want something bad enough, shouldn't you be able to cast all of your demons aside? i can no longer root for people who won't even root for themselves.

here i am preaching to the choir again. i need to swallow an ounce of my own advice.

in happy news, i want to start p90x because looking like 200 pounds has got to stop immediately. i've already put it on my christmas list but i may splurge this week and just get it for myself.

the rest of my day will be consumed with catching up on reading and perhaps sleeping. with no work at the y tonight, i suppose i should get ahead on my captcha codes for the week.

jo's deadline for the album is election day. does this mean i'll have something new to listen to all of next week?

lees suggested i start listening to good old war and i'm digging everything i've heard so far.

i still need a halloween costume. i still need to call garrett to schedule a playdate for today. i wonder if ice eyes is working at the coffee shop this afternoon.

so many things to do and all i want to do is watch fresh prince and forget about everything that's making me sink.

where are you, ana?

midwest band, track seven

what a whirlwind of emotions! who knew that being a girl was like this.

i had a pretty decent day topped off with a mid-afternoon nap before work. i worked with my little b today which is always nice. it's still incredible to me that i can work with someone who has lead such a different life from my own yet we have so much fun working together. she's quickly working her way into bestie status. we're spending christmas together this year... too cute.

i walked myself over to opus tonight after work. mandy is awesome. she introduced me to her friend josh. i sat, i drank, i bitched. josh bought me a drink and gave me the DL from a guy's perspective. it's always so insightful to hear everything from a guy's perspective (especially after you realize what a silly girl you're being).

i made it back to the sweatbox in one piece tonight. i just threw on a shirt from a band that sent it to me for free. i need to tell jonathan i want my free tee. i need to mail joey his disc. he needs to email me his address.

mental note: don't drink 100% alcohol filled drinks on a monday night.

there is absolutely nothing insightful about this post. i need to take a nap soon but there is so much nerdyness to catch up on! what's a girl to do.

'mout.

live from cincy, oh

...currently stuck in cincy on a layover. time for a weekend review.

i went to new york this weekend and for the most part it was fantastic. i got to see lots of family and friends and had a nice sleepover on saturday night. of course a trip home wouldn't be complete without a fight with my father. i wonder if we'll ever see eye to eye.

i am completely exhausted and cannot wait to catch up on sleep tomorrow night after work. my head is swirling with happy thoughts. most of the time i don't really enjoy a lot of things associated with being a girl but tonight i'm finding comfort in most of them.

'moutties.

america online (now aol) used to have a feature with 3.0 and 4.0 that allowed you to unsend mail that had yet to be read by the other party. why doesn't every other web-based email client have this feature?

i'm listening to rxb's first album on drive thru and it's reminding me of my first year of high school.

there's been too much regret-worthy bullshit go down during the past few weeks but the deep breaths help me not let everything get to that breaking point.

i need to finish packing, then chicago, paul, jen, girls night, new york. funny how i didn't call it "home" in this entry. it would be cool if i wasn't so apathetic this early in the morning.

worst feelings in the world:
- needing to throw up but having nothing in your system to do it with
- knowing you can't compete with someone... you're simply not good enough
- heavy eyes but a racing mind that won't let you sleep

sometimes i have all of the self-confidence in the world and sometimes i want to crawl under my comforter and sleep until the year 2056. it's unfortunate that i'm having trouble sleeping at all.

i have to wake up in three hours to get ready for chicago. i was looking forward to going home so much but with each minute that passes, i'm dreading it a little more.

i need to stop getting like this so late at night.

i update this too much.

before i head off to work, i wanted to share a list i started after my midterm (which went ok) today.

best feelings in the world:
- butterflies in the stomach and the skipping of your heart when you get nervous/excited
- sleeping next to a warm body
- the fulfillment from the crunch sound that happens when you step on leaves
- looking forward to going to work and leaving every day with a sense of accomplishment
- eating so much that you have a food coma and need to veg on the couch wrapped in your comforter

more to be added.

i'm so exhausted and the day is only half over! i want to lay in bed and watch fresh prince dvds until i fall asleep. perhaps that should be the gameplan for the evening (with the obligatory glass of wine, of course).

i'm off to see if ice eyes is working, then the y. i'm doing not one, but TWO intakes today. deep breaths.

ny in three days. hurry up already.

modern short outties.

this entry is brought to you by my second glass of moscato.

i have this silly theory that the more time you spend on the internet, the more you dislike yourself/would like to trade your life story for that of someone else. maybe it's just me. maybe i should just stop spending so much time on the internet.

i keep alternating between using one and two spaces to separate each sentence. true story: two semesters ago, i got into a heated debate with a group member in my entrepreneurship class about whether or not there should be one or two spaces between each sentence within our sixty-five page paper.

today i went to lunch with an ex and it was awkward. it's really unfortunate because i'm legitimately trying to make things work... i still want to be friends. is it typically guys that have the issue? i always thought that girls were the ones with all the drama; i suppose i was wrong.

with the exception of my awkward lunch, i spent the day studying. i've prepared my essay question the best that i can and have memorized nearly every single instrument from south africa, eastern europe, and latin america. go ahead, test me. i went to a study group that was supposed to be comprised of six people and ended up having only three. i made two new friends, so that's always nice.

i saw delores and the boy with the ice eyes at my favorite coffee shop today. i knew i loved that place for a reason.

i've been jamming to imogen heap, janelle monae, and the new copeland. i'm on one of my new music kicks. sometimes it's refreshing to not listen to the same four bands that are in constant rotation on mypod.

barack obama cancelled his rally on thursday because his grandmother is sick. poop.

paul texted me last night out of the blue to tell me that his band is going to be in chicago this week recording. now that future president-elect barack obama will not be here, i think i'm going to head down early on thursday to see him for a bit before i meet up with jen for girls night. i miss paul a lot and haven't seen him in two years or so? it's crazy how fast time flies. i'm pretty sure that between the years of 2002 and 2004, his band was my entire life. i'm also pretty sure that the years between 2002 and 2004 were where some of my fondest memories come from. sometimes things change so quickly and it's the ease to which i adapt to the new situation that is a bit frightening.

last night i had the most bizarre dream. i think that it was my first dream ever involving a ghost/spirit. in the dream, one of the residents at the y had passed away and i was trying to console her granddaughter by telling her that she was in a "better place" now. as that happened, her spirit attacked me by throwing me to the ground and pounding on my chest. i woke up with chest pains and goosebumps.

ok, i'm done procrastinating. back to studying. i see a "late to bed, early to rise" evening currently in progress.

at what point are we allowed to admit defeat to ourselves? there will always be someone that i am unable to compete with and it is incredibly frustrating.

i'm constantly wondering when the time will come that i pick up my poker chips and walk away from the table. my heart or my head? everything is such a gamble.

i need to go home for some sanity/r&r.

i really do love wine.

i have to get up for work in a little over five hours but i cannot sleep for the life of me.

today i did the cleaning thing, the laundry thing, the study thing, the work thing, and i'm currently wrapping up the nerdy thing for the evening before counting sheep in my head in my most valiant attempt at sleep.

i cannot stop listening to janelle monae. i'm not sure why i'm so late on the game when it comes to her but i'm so happy that i finally saw the light. diddy is a genius; i seriously need to sit down and have lunch with him. alas, that's another tangent for another day. had she not signed with bad boy, i really would have liked to put out her record. yeah, ok, dream big.

she's doing a cmj showcase this thursday at the bowery. i'm so bummed i'm going to miss it by a matter of hours. do yourself a favor and check her out because she's incredible. [sidebar: i should stop writing as though i'm preaching to a choir for i'm the only person who reads my blog... because i haven't told anyone about it yet.]

i'm still so incredibly homesick. i hope this feeling goes away soon because it's affecting the extent to which i enjoy my time in madison. i have to keep reminding myself that this quaint little city is my home and i should soak it all in before i move again.

barack obama is speaking five blocks from my apartment on thursday. i'm a little bit excited about going to see him before i head to chicago later in the day.

this thing is all over the place. i have three sips of wine to finish, chomps to be brushed, and a bed to be slept in.

...aaaaand she's off.

an addendum to my drunken post last night:

why is it that when i drink, i feel invincible? why is it that when anyone drinks, he/she feels invincible? all of the inhibitions go out the window and for however many hours i'm under the influence, i'm the most real version of myself. does that even make sense?

with that being said, i need to start leaving the phone at home when i go out. silly mander.

wow.

it would be cool if i could not be a douche for four minutes at a time.

one of the best things about living with boys is that they don't mind coming into your room late at night to kill the spiders on your ceiling.

i have a large glass of sauvignon blanc and over 200 captcha codes to keep me entertained. i wonder if this will be typical of all of my thursday evenings from here on out?

this whole thing is still so weird. i think it's a matter of compartmentalizing and letting everything sort itself out.

tomorrow i'm getting lunch with a favorite. it's always the little things that keep you afloat.

"today is your day. do something impossible."

thanks to l&o for the quote.

it's time to be the best version of myself and not necessarily what's best for you.

some days you drag your feet on the ground and some days you add an extra skip with every step. today i'm falling in line with the latter of the two.

there are a hundred things that i could complain are not going my way but there are a hundred and one things that are... why bother dwelling?

soooo many notecards to make for my midterm and so many captcha codes to enter today.

'mout.

today we announced justin oliver as our new signing. i'm stoked to be putting out his record. every demo that i have listened to i have instantly fallen in love with.

short and sweet and to the point. time for the y.

sometimes you creep in all the wrong places at all the right times.

i've been working on the 95:5 ratio trying to make it more 80:20. i'm learning that sometimes it's ok to take baby steps and not make the initial big leap forward.

it's such a bizarre feeling to feel legitimately homesick. this is the first time since moving to madison that the feeling has creeped up on me. i miss everything there is about new york and cannot wait to be back for a full 48 hours. don't get me wrong... in the two years that i've been in madison, it's become my home. i suppose there is just something about the place you grew up that will always make it feel right.

the big three in my life right now: schoolies, venture, y.

school is fantastic this semester. i like my classes and i like my professors.

things with the venture are running full force. there is so much work to be done and i'm learning a ton.

i lovelovelove my job at the y. i wish there were words to describe the sense of fulfillment i get after leaving every day.

i've been listening to the new v-town on repeat for a few days now. i love the lyrics to the song, "free".

ana is creeping her way back and i've never been so excited for something before. that sounds sickening. it is a little sickening, i suppose.

this blog is silly. i have to get started with my day.

sometimes all you need is an ounce of ska to make your day incredible.

i cannot wait to breathe new york air. 95% anticipation and 5% living. i need to work on that.

i suppose i can jump on the public blog bandwagon. does anyone besides myself still keep a private blog?

here i am.

more later.

will i ever feel insightful?