bummout.

it's not so much that it is my first christmas away from home but moreso that it is my first christmas alone.

i'm going to head into work in a little to open presents with casey and her little tots.  it'll be ok in a few hours.

break is finally here!  i've been working every single day and hanging out with p every night.  so far, no complaints.

last night we had to call the police on some drunken guys breaking all of the plexi-glass on our front door... at 2:15am.  it's finals week, geeeeez.

playdate at garrett's tonight.  i love hanging out there.

the best b-diddy of the year.

sometimes it's ok to take a spontaneous trip to indianapolis just to give one of your favorites a bear hug and wish him a happy birthday.  last night was perfect in every sense of the word.

i'm really lucky to have some of the friends that i do and i wish that i could hang out with them every single day and not just a few times a year.

i like hanging out with bill all day, every day.  it's nice to smile like this.

i went and saw a girl cut in two tonight with garrett, paul, and annie.  it was so different from any film that i've seen recently.  for two hours, i was completely enthralled in it and forgot about all of my surroundings.  incredible!

regina spektor - on the radio.  dig it.  wade johnston's cover of the song - really dig.

i really like working these overnight shifts.  they always go by so quickly and leave ten hours for nerdy time.

...currently seeking another DDMCM.  

fingers crossed.

- xtremehboyzfan

a few one-liners (and one two-liner).

all of my attempts at a sense of normalcy have come off as feeble at best.

yesterday, my macbook AND my wunderland war toys came in the mail.  i'm not sure which one i'm more excited about yet. 

tonight is dinner with alaney and possibly over to west main to see gar and co.

today is one of those days where i'd like to trade in my cards for a new hand.

things i am currently waiting (im)patiently for:
- fall semester to be over
- my new wunderland war toys
- my new macbook

true story. i've been checking fedex.com all day and the update on my macbook has remained the same: in transit - shanghai, cn. i don't really know why it took me over twelve hours to realize that "cn" stands for china and not canada. so bummed (and so stupid)!

i just got home from gar's a few minutes ago. i always leave his house with a smile on my face despite how sleepy i may be.

empires on saturday. stoked stoked stoked.

i'm such a space cadet today.

...resuming radio silence.
-pharmaceutical bandit

juno.

i deeply enjoy interacting with people that treat me as an equal despite a few year age difference. why isn't everyone like that? my second shift was with matt tonight and it was awesome to talk about life and love from someone who understands it in the same way that i do.

i worked a typical fourteen hours today with nothing to complain about. if i could get this little chip off my shoulder, it would be easy for me to say that i'm living the good life.

i really miss ana and i really miss you. i hope you both find your ways back to me one day soon because i miss the constant smile on my face.

so cryptic, ay731.

i love wade johnston.

i'm sitting in my apartment by my lonesome. every once in a while it is nice to have the apartment to myself, but most of the time, i just want it to be filled with my best friends.

time to get ready for work. real update lata.

after its twists and turns, tonight ended on a good note at opus with jake. we talked about our favorite bands (and bonded over goldfinger) for an hour. it was so pleasant! i genuniely felt like the most real version of myself (since moving to madison). does that even make sense?

i wrote a long blog post during my first hour after work that just seems completely silly now. i'm going to throw this diddy into the evergrowing list of poems that will never see the light of day because they are simply not good enough (i'm more like JO than i'd like to admit). tomorrow is a traveling day which means that many things are still left up in the air (and make for countless hours of good writing).

only time will tell, i suppose. i am so unbelievably tired and it is time for XOXO and bed.

nighties.

thirsty thanksgiving was a complete success last night. andy and kyle surprised us from milwaukee which made the event THAT much more enjoyable. i am exhausted and still suffering from last night's food coma.

my heart started to ache last night but i'm sure that'll fade soon. i hope it fades soon. heart problems are a dying trend.

burt's bees are good for the knees... and lips.

this week has been one of the busiest that i've had in some time. after my little trip, i magically squeezed a forty hour work week at the y along with a full course load.

things are starting to roll with mss and it's exciting and stressful all at once. there are a billion tasks that i've set for myself and it's hard to complete everything in such a short time frame. i wonder if anyone takes this as seriously as i do. i've been listening to a lot of justin today and have decided that "leah's song" is probably one of the most brilliant composed pieces i've ever heard.

i want to read let the right one in again immediately but dan has my copy. he burned the dvd for me yesterday and i cannot wait for movie night so that i can watch it again.

i went to opus with kyle last night and met up with servi while there. kyle continues to be one of my favorites. i'm still so stoked that we started hanging out on a regular basis this school year. i was missing out on a quality friend in this little city.

i did the schoolies thing this morning and covered the rest of myeesha's shift at the y this afternoon. on an impulse, i bought a dress that i've stared at in the window for the past few weeks on my walk to work. i think i'll debut it at tomorrow's dinner party.

after work, i caught up with peej on the phone for half an hour. he's a good dude and an awesome soundboard for my vent seshes. true story: for the first year that i listened to his band, he was the one that i had a crush on. my oh my, how far we've come.

tomorrow is thirsty thanksgiving and i cannot wait. the fun begins at 10am with adam and won't stop until the wee hours of sunday morning.

i need to unpack from new york so that i can re-pack for new york on tuesday.

also, i've decided i'm on the twitter train.

the rest of the night will be devoted to pajama pants, laundry, cleaning, and roomie bonding. i love lazy fridays.

here's a video that always makes me smile.

i think i need to go to florida soon to see favorites.

'moutties.

strange ships.

i ended up not having to work the overnight last night so i headed over to garrett's after work for good hangs and gabbing. despite the miserably cold walk home, it is always worth going over there. garrett makes me smile and time and time again, has proven to be a solid bestie.

i slept like a baby last night but still find myself completely exhausted. i think i want to make fajitas for lunch. jo sent me a song last night that is for his next album (not the one that we're already putting out). how is possible that someone this incredible is not already a multi-platinum selling artist?

i have to shower and go to class and see dan at the coffee shop and go to work with alaney and hang out with kyle after all of that is done. breeeeathe.

caffeine iv drip.

sunday night:
11:45pm - arrive in madison, drop off bags at the sweatbox

monday:
12:30am - overnight shift at the y begins
8:00am - overnight shift ends, back to the sweatbox
9:30am - schoolies
1:00pm - back to the sweatbox, one hour cat nap commences
2:00pm - showa/out of zombie mode
4:30pm - afternoon shift at the y begins
10:00pm - shift ends, espresso royale, thirsty thanksgiving planning
11:00pm - true blood with garrett

tuesday:
12:00am - true blood ends, one hour cat nap
1:00am - chomps/out of zombie mode
2:00am - overnight #2 at the y begins

the rest of the day is looking like this:
7:00am - shift ends, sweatbox for showa/caffeine
8:30am - schoolies
1:00pm - lunch, mss, rubiks date
4:30pm - afternoon/half an overnight shift at the y begins

wednesday:
3:00am - back to the sweatbox to power nap for three hours
6:00am - out of zombie mode/schoolies
2:00pm - lunch, cat nap
4:30pm - afternoon shift with alaney at the y
10:00pm - back to the sweatbox, death by chocolate ice cream, sleeps

------------------

other pertinent things going on:
- i saw let the right one in this weekend (i can't believe i failed to mention it!!). i understand that when you make a film, there are certain elements of a book that need to be cut due to budget/time constraints, but this film was drastically different from the book. at least four major characters were completely cut from the film and the central plot is not the same as in the book. in addition, i thought that the film lacked much character development with both oskar and eli. with all of that being said, i still thought that the film was beautiful and tragic. i still give the book two thumbs and two toes up.
- backstreet boys have a song called that's what she said. do i really even need to elaborate on how awesome that is?
- i got to work with my little alaney last night. we wore coordinated outfits without even meaning to. perfection.
- i'm still unsure about twitter. i feel the need to update it 198274892 times every hour.

there's a little over an hour left in my shift. yesssssss.

this post is dedicated to me... eleven years ago.

my little alaney and marisa are probably the only two that know that i've been listening to backstreet boys nonstop for a week or so. alane puts up with me belting out bsb karaoke at work every week. i just saw this video online and i've decided that i'm still their #1 fan.

I Want It That Way TRL Finale
by yardie4lifever2

more than eleven years later, brian littrell is still a serious stud. i remember reading bop or tiger beat that his heart once stopped when he was younger. i'm pretty sure i sat over my magazine crying for an hour.

i remember the day that their video for i'll never break your heart premeired on trl. i was sitting in my basement on my bean bag after school and i cried because i loved them so much. my little sister came to the basement and asked me why i was crying. i remember telling her she would never understand what it meant to love a "band" so much.

some things never change.

souped-up vinyl spinning round and round.

dear little bloggity blog blog blog,

from madison to nyc to mpls back to madison.

this weekend was everything that i needed it to be. the real test of a friendship is time and distance.

to add to the "best feelings in the world" list: going back to ny and picking up with your friends exactly where you left off nearly a year ago.

i'm sitting at the y working an overnight and contemplating whether or not to start watching the wire again. i've heard from multiple people that it's probably not a show i should watch in this particular job setting (especially working an overnight alone).

i hope that this shift stays quiet. i've been laptop-less all weekend and have too many blogs to catch up on.

sincerely,
xtremehboyzfan

the big dose of vitamin c.

this week has been seriously awesome. i've been so consumed by my book and real life that i haven't had time for an appropriate blog entry. silly mander.

on monday i ordered my book with two day service. i had full intentions of sitting at home all day wednesday to wait for it. on tuesday afternoon i got back from errands to discover that ups had already tried to deliver the book and i became absolutely nutty about getting it immediately. after a few phone calls and running around, my book arrived on my doorstep tuesday evening.

i have never ever ever ever felt so passionately about a book before. i literally do not have words to describe it but it is beautiful and painful in all the right ways. it is because of this book that i now realize that i don't want to fall in love again unless it's the way that oskar falls in love with eli. their friendship/relationship is so fragile and delicate. i'm going to read the book again this weekend during my travels. it is absolutely brilliant. if i were to ever recommend a book, this would be the one.

on tuesday night, i went to dinner with kyle and servi and it was too cute. konrad (mandy's husband) is the gm at the restaurant and gave us an enormous discount. my appetizer and $22 entree cost me $13 (tip included!) at the end of the night. very nice.

wednesday was filled with mss work all day and work with my little alaney at night. from what i recall, the shift went by without incident so no complaints. one of my residents did come down to the desk and take a plant from it and sprint back into the elevator before we could say anything. so bizarre.

yesterday morning i woke up bright and early to head to the coffee shop for two hours of serious study time before my midterm. the barista with the killer high fives was working so of course much talking happened. he's awesome and we're having movie night next week... stoked!

i took my midterm (which wasn't too hard, thank goodness!) and headed back to the sweatbox for lunch and a cat nap before the y. another shift came and went and dr. greene AND romano came back for the night's episode of er. as expected, geekfest 2008 commenced upon their arrival. i love working with carole.

last night was incredible in every sense of the word. after work i headed back to the sweatbox for beverages and good talks with garrett. we left after an hour and headed up to the penthouse at lucky. kyle threw me a going away party since i wouldn't be around for hangs this weekend. too freaking cute. we danced, we talked, and then of course we went to opus. the parts of opus that i remember best involved making six people order g-ret & mander's mallow, chips&dip, and jolly rancher city. we closed down the lounge (as usual) and walked back to gar's. eric is incredible and can solve a rubik's cube in less than five minutes. he did it three times for me... totally unreal.

somehow i walked myself back to sweatbox around 3:30am and made it up in time for my little trip.

i'm currently in the place where everything seems right. i'm really excited about this weekend.

vtown and serious favorites tonight. :)

'moutties.

rubik's cube.

i just got home from garrett/eric's. i'm way behind on the life updates. perhaps tomorrow while i'm on my secret trip? i had a seriously fantastic evening. rubik's cube date on tuesday afternoon.

all smiles. twenty minute power nap before my alarm goes off.

ltroi - take two.

tonight as i walked home from work i found myself staring up at each tree in hopes to see eli perched on a branch (ready to pounce, of course).

real update tomorrow after midterm madness is over.

let the right one in.

"Hakan?"
"I love you."
"Yes."
"Do you love me, even one little bit?"
"Would you do it again if I said I loved you?"
"No."
"I should love you anyway, you mean."
"You only love me to the extent I help you stay alive."
"Yes. Isn't that what love is?"
"If only I thought you would love me even if I didn't do it..."
"Yes?"
"...maybe I would do it again."
"I love you."
"I don't believe you."
"Hakan. I can manage a few more days but then..."
"Make sure you start to love me, then."

this book is perfection.

it's almost 2am. i seriously need to go to bed but i can't stop thinking about this week's episode of true blood. speaking of vamps, i called every single bookstore in madison to try and find the english translation of let the right one in but of course no one was carrying it. i ordered it on amazon and it will be here on wednesday. i cannot wait to start reading it!

someone tell bill compton to be my boyfriend. i'm pretty sure i've fallen in love him in all the right ways.

serious vamp overload. sirius.

this is me smiling... good band.

long time no blog.

i headed down to chicago on saturday for favs and good hangs. i got to see meeshell at fearless and spend the rest of the day with the boys. i don't think it matters that i've seen them play live over seventy times... i still get that sense of excitement right before they hit the stage. i hung out with two-fifths of the robots and marci and elis. andy kept feeding me beer after beer after beer. someone kept feeding me cran+vodka after cran+vodka at the aftershow hang. geeeez. according to the polaroids, it was a good night. :)

thanks to the god that is marci, i made it back to o'hare in one piece and back to madison yesterday morning. i lost my voice in chicago and sound like a ten year old boy going through puberty. it's completely awful but seemed to make my residents smile as i called pages over the intercom yesterday.

now it's off to class and then to the camera shop to get the little one's fixed. i think i'm going to see ice eyes and make a real attempt at putting a dent in twilight. tonight i work with my little alaney (which means it will be the quickest shift ever).

i'm still obsessed with vampires and cannot wait to see let the right one in this weekend. i have to go pick up the book from the library immediately.

captcha if you can.

b-sides are the best sides.

i watched that episode of er today. dr. greene doesn't come back until next week. i suppose that gives me something to look forward to.

i have to be honest, being sick is really overrated. the appetite suppressor is nice, but other that that, feeling like poop 125% of the day is silly. after oversleeping, i went to class and then to lunch with my little alaney. i immediately came home for a four hour nap. i woke up and checked my phone, then proceeded to walgreens for more drugs before heading back to the sweatbox for a load of laundry, true blood with garrett, and dramz city.

it's 1:58am and i am blasting some ltj because no one is home. i took a lot of polaroids tonight at opus. i really have the best friends ever and it's nice that i'm not letting boys get me down. i should probably get to bed soon as i have to get up early to head down to chicago for more favorites and that one band, lunchtime. stoked.

i lied, i have to wait for joe to get home. so much gossip to share.

"the streets won't sleep tonight, a lullaby for the half alive."

mark greene came back to county general tonight.

yo, for someone who's sick, i have quite the appetite. it would be cool if i could go an hour without eating something. have i ever told you that i have a serious love/hate relationship with food (heavy emphasis on the love)? true story.

today after class, i went into the y to cover the last four hours of myeesha's shift. the last four hours quickly turned into covering an additional five and a half hour shift for another co-worker. i should've probably said no to the second shift in favor of laying in my bed drugged up big time on nyquil, but i really love the job. such is life.

tomorrow after class i have to finish doing my laundry and focus on not feeling violently ill so that i can have a little rage time with favorites. i've been slacking on the polaroids over the past few days but i'm sure that tomorrow will change all of that.

vicks sore throat spray is a genius product. nerdy time is over for the evening. fresh prince dvd marathon and sleeps are in order.

i'm a true blood fanatic.

i just put freshly laundered pillowcases on my king-sized pillows and realized that just a few short months ago, someone would have done it for me without me having to beg. it's funny how quickly things change.

i spent five hours at the coffee house today catching up on schoolwork, mss and life. dolores stopped in and had a lemon bar and a cup of coffee with me. i wonder what it's like to be lonely most of the time. she reminds me so much of my grandmother.

the swollen glands that i had last night have gotten so much worse throughout today. i don't have a fever but aches and pains all over. i hate it when i get sick like this. where's my mom when i need her to rub my back? oh yes, in new york.

i've been looking at plane tickets for a weekend getaway over new years. portland is really expensive but seattle is looking like a possibility.

i've been listening to two rough demos from our next artist on mss. so much potential... such a good find.

two nyquil, fetal position, fresh prince and sleeps.

i woke up this morning and wasn't sure if last night really happened. i'm on cloud 9 and can't express all of the emotions i have just yet. the man of steel was interviewed by cnn.

today is a serious h-dubs day. i need to shower, go to class, then espresso royale for ice eyes and lots of paper writing. tonight holds dinner with garrett and then possibly to the annex to see mat's band.

busy bee. barack 'n roll time, baby.

all of the firecrackers and wild cheers in the streets lead me to believe that weenie weekend was extended until tuesday night or barack obama was just elected the 44th president of the united states of america.

this is incredible.

two things of serious importance:
1. i had a dream last night that i murdered someone. i tied a string around her neck and pulled until she choked to death. umm, scary?
2. be heard... go vote today.

also, it should be noted that my love for kyle mills has grown tenfold over the last week.

'mout!

my family is currently exchanging emails back and forth with christmas wishlists. i got really emotional and wrote a little tearjerker about wanting only three things: more film, subscription to the ny times, and a gift for a child at the y. there are no words to describe exactly how much that job has changed my entire life.

in some not-so-serious news, i had dreams about vamps last night. my little vampire obsession is getting absolutely out of control. i've heard from multiple people that the film, let the right one in, is incredible. i think i'm going to go see it when i head back to ny in a few weeks.

i discovered a huge bruise on the right side of my ribcage. why did i become jellolegs this past weekend?

surprisingly, no case of the mondays to report on. classish, y, and opus with gar to look forward to.

'moutties.

exactly how it should be.

oh my goodness, what a weekend. i'm absolutely terrible with recaps.

thursday night was the start to weenie weekend. opus with garrett and kyle; good talks; chips & dip - night one. i think i already talked about opus in a previous entry?

friday started off completely uneasy and ended with a bang. i went to work and was served a nice little dose of reality. one of the best things about having a crush is that everything feels new again. it's nice to get that pitter-patter of nervousness and it's nice to see your phone blink red. when you come to the realization (or you're served with it) that nothing more is going to happen, getting over a crush comes with great ease. after a little vent sesh early friday evening, i decided to not dwell on what wasn't but focus on what is. maybe this doesn't make sense to anyone but me and that's ok. it's strange to think that i haven't reflected on anything at all this weekend. was i too wrapped up in fun or did i legitimately let it go? i'd like to think it was the latter of the two. i digress...

i received a free polaroid camera at work on friday (since the film is being discontinued early next year) and decided to make it a new project of mine. i wrote a little blurb about it on the book of faces but i can reflect on it more here. polaroid film is insanely expensive these days (anywhere between $15-20 for ten shots). because of this, it'd be expected that you would use your pictures sparingly and only capture those moments that make you laugh so hard you cry or scream with delight because everything at that moment is exactly how it should be. i think that everyone has at least one of these moments every single day. there's something about the novelty of a polaroid that makes these situations worth capturing. sometimes you only have one chance to get it right, and at approximately $1.75 per picture, i want to make sure i'm able to capture those moments that make me who i am/tell the story of my friends/make me the happiest. i'm hoping to take a picture every single day to fill a blank wall in my bedroom. here is my favorite picture of the seven that i've taken so far.

after work on friday i headed home where the festivities had already started. i booked it to get changed quickly and share a few beverages before we headed out with our friends. we walked for what felt like 84 years to get to will's where the elevator pictures ensued. my friends are absolutely hysterical. we left will's at some point and then disbanded into smaller groups. i vaguely remember state street and another party with garrett and emhaus. apparently i pulled my typical disappearing act (another story for another day) and bolted up to opus to meet kyle and share chips & dip - night two. garrett told me that i magically disappeared from opus as well. adam told me the next day that i came home and raged a little more at our neigbs. according to my phone, the last drunk text was sent at 3:06am so it must have been a good night. yes, i am a complete shitshow.

saturday morning i woke up and recapped the previous night's events with all of our friends that slept over the night before. we made our way to breakfast at the sunprint cafe (sooooo delicious!) and i rocked the sidepony from the night before. we came home and vegged on the couch (aka rallying time) and bought the movie, prom night, on demand. everyone else thought that it was the funniest film of all time and of course i was screaming in sheer terror and hyperventilating until the last two minutes. i'm such a wuss. we all got ready and had a nice dinner on the west side before coming back to the sweatbox to prepare for night three. the rest of the evening was filled with favorites, good talks and hugs, dance parties, tooons of britney blaring, sarah palin, and over 200 pictures. how did i get so lucky?

i was also really good and only made one bad decision the entire weekend... agreeing to work at 8am this morning. after finally getting to bed a little after 3am, i woke up at 6:30 to shower and prep myself to be good at life for an eight hour shift. within the first five minutes of my shift, a resident came to the desk and stated, "there's blood all over our kitchen floor." i went upstairs and surveyed the situation. what a start to a sunday. despite what i thought was an omen for a horrible day, today ended up being fantastic. i watched empire records with claudia and re-fell in love with music. that movie gets dogged a lot but i love every single thing there is to love about it. i need to add that to my dvd list. we also watched jack (since robin williams is my main squeeze) and i remembered why i loved that one as well. the camera shots in the film alternate between jack's perspective and that of a third party. so fantastic.

i came home from work and sorted through all of my pictures from this weekend and uploaded the deec ones to the book of faces. the rest of my evening has been spent on nerdy time, laundry, and true blood with garrett. i've been on such a vampire kick the last week or so.

this update took entirely too long. i absolutely need an eight hour nap soon. i think i'm going to start telling people about my little bloggity blog blog. i'm obsessed with fiji water. andy commented on almost every single picture from this weekend. my friends are out of control and i can honestly say that i'm happier tonight than i have been in a few months.

ain't nobody gonna bring me down.

that was so cheezy. cheesy? sharp cheddar and goat are my two favorites. i really do go to school in wisconsin.

how did i make it home last night? real update tomorrow.

shane west was a stud on ER last night.

i just realized that there is a crack in my bedroom ceiling and i want alana keusch to come home. martha hooked me up with some free girls inc. gear and i'm stoked. i have to get out of bed to go pay my tuition so that i can continue going to school and to get a fanny pack for my costume tonight. that's one sentence i never thought i'd write.

this is going to be an incredible weekend. garrett is in charge of my phone. no bad decisions, just fun fun fun.

over and out.

for the past week, i've been checking the mail twice a day to wait for this. it finally came today. the figure is perfect in every sense of the word. unless you collect all of them, you probably don't understand how this came at the perfect time.


i went to work this evening and then of course to opus for a few drinks with garrett and kyle. both of these young lads had some words to offer. i walked home with lees and we talked for over forty-five minutes about nothing and everything. it's nice to be over seven hundred miles away from home but still feel like you can openly talk about everything that's on your mind.

i just crawled into my bed after brushing my chomps and laying in joe's bed talking about how much i despise the opposite sex. i have the best support system around and i need to start taking advantage of that.

the girls downstairs had a party this evening but i was too far gone by the time i got home at 2:30am to realize that the strobes in their apartment were not illuminating any figures.

happy birthday, sms, wherever your travels find you this evening.

it's certainly time for bed. weenie weekend continues tomorrow!

earlier this week i walked to work as flurries took over the sky and today there is a high of sixty-one degrees. what does that even mean on october 30th!?

this song gets stuck in my head at least twice a day. matt embree is a genius and most of the time i wish he would be my boyfriend and sing me to sleep every night. everything about this video is exactly the way it should be.


i bought my weenie costume last night and am completely obsessed. i still need to pick up a pair of tights to complete the look this afternoon. adam said pink but let's be honest, would i ever be caught dead in anything pink?

the secret trip is looming. why aren't i more excited yet?

there is one thing that i want to blog about but i still can't find the words to do it justice. in time... and with alcohol.

speaking of alcohol, i can't stop watching all of the different versions of "little bitch" on youtube and dying of laughter. on next summer's ltj roadtrip, we need to do this.

k, time to get out of my towel and into clothes. classish, errands, y, weenie weekend.

it's positively gorgeous outside. i love this song because it explains everything.



before the end of winter, i want to make it successfully around lake monona in one shot. it's only 13 miles, so it shouldn't be too hard, right?

sometimes i make mistakes but i've learned that feelings of regret will only get you so far... it's ok to suck it up and move on.

i have to shower and find a halloween costume. ready, set, GO.

you're not as sweet as i thought you were.

today i saw a boy wearing a john cena pleather jacket with a matching dirt 'stache. maybe everything in my life isn't so terrible.

i've been listening to the demos that the little one gave to me and they are incredible. i have some of the most talented friends in the world and i legitimately do not understand how all of them are not huge rockstars.

one of my residents was evicted yesterday. i don't think it had too much involvement with the way i was feeling last night, but upon reflection, i realize how terrible it is. i invested a lot of heart into rooting for her (as i do for all of my residents) and to see her fall off the bandwagon time and time again is awful. i understand that addiction is a serious problem, but if you want something bad enough, shouldn't you be able to cast all of your demons aside? i can no longer root for people who won't even root for themselves.

here i am preaching to the choir again. i need to swallow an ounce of my own advice.

in happy news, i want to start p90x because looking like 200 pounds has got to stop immediately. i've already put it on my christmas list but i may splurge this week and just get it for myself.

the rest of my day will be consumed with catching up on reading and perhaps sleeping. with no work at the y tonight, i suppose i should get ahead on my captcha codes for the week.

jo's deadline for the album is election day. does this mean i'll have something new to listen to all of next week?

lees suggested i start listening to good old war and i'm digging everything i've heard so far.

i still need a halloween costume. i still need to call garrett to schedule a playdate for today. i wonder if ice eyes is working at the coffee shop this afternoon.

so many things to do and all i want to do is watch fresh prince and forget about everything that's making me sink.

where are you, ana?

midwest band, track seven

what a whirlwind of emotions! who knew that being a girl was like this.

i had a pretty decent day topped off with a mid-afternoon nap before work. i worked with my little b today which is always nice. it's still incredible to me that i can work with someone who has lead such a different life from my own yet we have so much fun working together. she's quickly working her way into bestie status. we're spending christmas together this year... too cute.

i walked myself over to opus tonight after work. mandy is awesome. she introduced me to her friend josh. i sat, i drank, i bitched. josh bought me a drink and gave me the DL from a guy's perspective. it's always so insightful to hear everything from a guy's perspective (especially after you realize what a silly girl you're being).

i made it back to the sweatbox in one piece tonight. i just threw on a shirt from a band that sent it to me for free. i need to tell jonathan i want my free tee. i need to mail joey his disc. he needs to email me his address.

mental note: don't drink 100% alcohol filled drinks on a monday night.

there is absolutely nothing insightful about this post. i need to take a nap soon but there is so much nerdyness to catch up on! what's a girl to do.

'mout.

live from cincy, oh

...currently stuck in cincy on a layover. time for a weekend review.

i went to new york this weekend and for the most part it was fantastic. i got to see lots of family and friends and had a nice sleepover on saturday night. of course a trip home wouldn't be complete without a fight with my father. i wonder if we'll ever see eye to eye.

i am completely exhausted and cannot wait to catch up on sleep tomorrow night after work. my head is swirling with happy thoughts. most of the time i don't really enjoy a lot of things associated with being a girl but tonight i'm finding comfort in most of them.

'moutties.

america online (now aol) used to have a feature with 3.0 and 4.0 that allowed you to unsend mail that had yet to be read by the other party. why doesn't every other web-based email client have this feature?

i'm listening to rxb's first album on drive thru and it's reminding me of my first year of high school.

there's been too much regret-worthy bullshit go down during the past few weeks but the deep breaths help me not let everything get to that breaking point.

i need to finish packing, then chicago, paul, jen, girls night, new york. funny how i didn't call it "home" in this entry. it would be cool if i wasn't so apathetic this early in the morning.

worst feelings in the world:
- needing to throw up but having nothing in your system to do it with
- knowing you can't compete with someone... you're simply not good enough
- heavy eyes but a racing mind that won't let you sleep

sometimes i have all of the self-confidence in the world and sometimes i want to crawl under my comforter and sleep until the year 2056. it's unfortunate that i'm having trouble sleeping at all.

i have to wake up in three hours to get ready for chicago. i was looking forward to going home so much but with each minute that passes, i'm dreading it a little more.

i need to stop getting like this so late at night.

i update this too much.

before i head off to work, i wanted to share a list i started after my midterm (which went ok) today.

best feelings in the world:
- butterflies in the stomach and the skipping of your heart when you get nervous/excited
- sleeping next to a warm body
- the fulfillment from the crunch sound that happens when you step on leaves
- looking forward to going to work and leaving every day with a sense of accomplishment
- eating so much that you have a food coma and need to veg on the couch wrapped in your comforter

more to be added.

i'm so exhausted and the day is only half over! i want to lay in bed and watch fresh prince dvds until i fall asleep. perhaps that should be the gameplan for the evening (with the obligatory glass of wine, of course).

i'm off to see if ice eyes is working, then the y. i'm doing not one, but TWO intakes today. deep breaths.

ny in three days. hurry up already.

modern short outties.

this entry is brought to you by my second glass of moscato.

i have this silly theory that the more time you spend on the internet, the more you dislike yourself/would like to trade your life story for that of someone else. maybe it's just me. maybe i should just stop spending so much time on the internet.

i keep alternating between using one and two spaces to separate each sentence. true story: two semesters ago, i got into a heated debate with a group member in my entrepreneurship class about whether or not there should be one or two spaces between each sentence within our sixty-five page paper.

today i went to lunch with an ex and it was awkward. it's really unfortunate because i'm legitimately trying to make things work... i still want to be friends. is it typically guys that have the issue? i always thought that girls were the ones with all the drama; i suppose i was wrong.

with the exception of my awkward lunch, i spent the day studying. i've prepared my essay question the best that i can and have memorized nearly every single instrument from south africa, eastern europe, and latin america. go ahead, test me. i went to a study group that was supposed to be comprised of six people and ended up having only three. i made two new friends, so that's always nice.

i saw delores and the boy with the ice eyes at my favorite coffee shop today. i knew i loved that place for a reason.

i've been jamming to imogen heap, janelle monae, and the new copeland. i'm on one of my new music kicks. sometimes it's refreshing to not listen to the same four bands that are in constant rotation on mypod.

barack obama cancelled his rally on thursday because his grandmother is sick. poop.

paul texted me last night out of the blue to tell me that his band is going to be in chicago this week recording. now that future president-elect barack obama will not be here, i think i'm going to head down early on thursday to see him for a bit before i meet up with jen for girls night. i miss paul a lot and haven't seen him in two years or so? it's crazy how fast time flies. i'm pretty sure that between the years of 2002 and 2004, his band was my entire life. i'm also pretty sure that the years between 2002 and 2004 were where some of my fondest memories come from. sometimes things change so quickly and it's the ease to which i adapt to the new situation that is a bit frightening.

last night i had the most bizarre dream. i think that it was my first dream ever involving a ghost/spirit. in the dream, one of the residents at the y had passed away and i was trying to console her granddaughter by telling her that she was in a "better place" now. as that happened, her spirit attacked me by throwing me to the ground and pounding on my chest. i woke up with chest pains and goosebumps.

ok, i'm done procrastinating. back to studying. i see a "late to bed, early to rise" evening currently in progress.

at what point are we allowed to admit defeat to ourselves? there will always be someone that i am unable to compete with and it is incredibly frustrating.

i'm constantly wondering when the time will come that i pick up my poker chips and walk away from the table. my heart or my head? everything is such a gamble.

i need to go home for some sanity/r&r.

i really do love wine.

i have to get up for work in a little over five hours but i cannot sleep for the life of me.

today i did the cleaning thing, the laundry thing, the study thing, the work thing, and i'm currently wrapping up the nerdy thing for the evening before counting sheep in my head in my most valiant attempt at sleep.

i cannot stop listening to janelle monae. i'm not sure why i'm so late on the game when it comes to her but i'm so happy that i finally saw the light. diddy is a genius; i seriously need to sit down and have lunch with him. alas, that's another tangent for another day. had she not signed with bad boy, i really would have liked to put out her record. yeah, ok, dream big.

she's doing a cmj showcase this thursday at the bowery. i'm so bummed i'm going to miss it by a matter of hours. do yourself a favor and check her out because she's incredible. [sidebar: i should stop writing as though i'm preaching to a choir for i'm the only person who reads my blog... because i haven't told anyone about it yet.]

i'm still so incredibly homesick. i hope this feeling goes away soon because it's affecting the extent to which i enjoy my time in madison. i have to keep reminding myself that this quaint little city is my home and i should soak it all in before i move again.

barack obama is speaking five blocks from my apartment on thursday. i'm a little bit excited about going to see him before i head to chicago later in the day.

this thing is all over the place. i have three sips of wine to finish, chomps to be brushed, and a bed to be slept in.

...aaaaand she's off.

an addendum to my drunken post last night:

why is it that when i drink, i feel invincible? why is it that when anyone drinks, he/she feels invincible? all of the inhibitions go out the window and for however many hours i'm under the influence, i'm the most real version of myself. does that even make sense?

with that being said, i need to start leaving the phone at home when i go out. silly mander.

wow.

it would be cool if i could not be a douche for four minutes at a time.

one of the best things about living with boys is that they don't mind coming into your room late at night to kill the spiders on your ceiling.

i have a large glass of sauvignon blanc and over 200 captcha codes to keep me entertained. i wonder if this will be typical of all of my thursday evenings from here on out?

this whole thing is still so weird. i think it's a matter of compartmentalizing and letting everything sort itself out.

tomorrow i'm getting lunch with a favorite. it's always the little things that keep you afloat.

"today is your day. do something impossible."

thanks to l&o for the quote.

it's time to be the best version of myself and not necessarily what's best for you.

some days you drag your feet on the ground and some days you add an extra skip with every step. today i'm falling in line with the latter of the two.

there are a hundred things that i could complain are not going my way but there are a hundred and one things that are... why bother dwelling?

soooo many notecards to make for my midterm and so many captcha codes to enter today.

'mout.

today we announced justin oliver as our new signing. i'm stoked to be putting out his record. every demo that i have listened to i have instantly fallen in love with.

short and sweet and to the point. time for the y.

sometimes you creep in all the wrong places at all the right times.

i've been working on the 95:5 ratio trying to make it more 80:20. i'm learning that sometimes it's ok to take baby steps and not make the initial big leap forward.

it's such a bizarre feeling to feel legitimately homesick. this is the first time since moving to madison that the feeling has creeped up on me. i miss everything there is about new york and cannot wait to be back for a full 48 hours. don't get me wrong... in the two years that i've been in madison, it's become my home. i suppose there is just something about the place you grew up that will always make it feel right.

the big three in my life right now: schoolies, venture, y.

school is fantastic this semester. i like my classes and i like my professors.

things with the venture are running full force. there is so much work to be done and i'm learning a ton.

i lovelovelove my job at the y. i wish there were words to describe the sense of fulfillment i get after leaving every day.

i've been listening to the new v-town on repeat for a few days now. i love the lyrics to the song, "free".

ana is creeping her way back and i've never been so excited for something before. that sounds sickening. it is a little sickening, i suppose.

this blog is silly. i have to get started with my day.

sometimes all you need is an ounce of ska to make your day incredible.

i cannot wait to breathe new york air. 95% anticipation and 5% living. i need to work on that.

i suppose i can jump on the public blog bandwagon. does anyone besides myself still keep a private blog?

here i am.

more later.

will i ever feel insightful?